The SomethingAwful guide to grad school admissions

Oh, internet humourists (note the pretentious spelling, natch), what won't you mock?
If you decide to take the GRE, the first thing to do is to pretend you are a fine, upstanding gentleman from 1837 with spats and a mercury-cured hat. Congratulations! You are now perfectly suited to pass the verbal portions of the GRE. The GRE tests you on words, that, if uttered aloud, would cause the word "faggot" to escape from the lips of those around you. Sure, you may be able to get away with it a few times, but the excuse of, "I learned it by watching Scrubs!" only works until others realize your hatred for Zach Braff and cloying montages.

So if you don't have a time machine, there are many books that can help you study for the GRE; and even if you did have a time machine, you would probably go mad trying to figure out the right butterfly to kill which will make your current life full of gold bricks and baubles. But if you don't want to spend the money on a time machine or study guide (both comparatively priced), you can always analyze your current writing and speech and ask yourself, "How would a 19th century plutocrat say this?" If you find yourself inserting the exclamation "Balderdash!" at the end of every sentence, you're on the right track. It also helps to waddle around your house in a cummerbund, grumbling about tariffs and the state of opera. Just remember that no matter what you do, you will be unprepared.

6 comments:

towwas said...

Huh. I don't remember the GRE verbal being all that weird. But I'm a verbal girl.

Spice said...

This is waaaayyy off-topic, but I just had to note somewhere that I think it's kind of hilarious that our mayor (widely known as "Mayor Dave") is running under the slogan "Mayor Dave for Mayor."

Anonymous said...

Me fail english?...That's unpossible!
I'm not a verbal girl.
The GRE is easy.
Ralph Wiggam is a comic genius.
The gentlemen should probably reconsider both grad school and the internet humour gig.

Anonymous said...

Make that gentlemAn. That's not on the GRE.

Grafs said...

Verbal, huh? I'll be sure to stay away from that one. (I use my virtual thesaurus WAY too often.)

KC said...

I bet I'd ace this test! After all, the word "balderdash" doesn't strike me as odd.