Like a Chevy in the Wind

With sadness in our lungs and tears in our spleens, MBro and I said goodbye to good ol' Blazey this weekend. The ParentBros and Kyle gave him a ride back to Nebraska on a trailer, but he's an organ-donor and he'll live on in other transmissions, other rear axle differentials, other body quarter-panels, and various other car things I can name but don't understand.

When I get to be Ganondorf, then I'll be happy

A long, busy day of blogging culminates in Asteroid's Revenge
You are an asteroid that has seen many of your brethren decimated by the evil spaceship in the original Asteroid's game. The loss of your rock-fellows has hurt and scarred you deeply. Your rocky heart has ached for vengenance.

Your time has come.


Free Republic is a constant stream of info-tainment entertainment!
FACT: You only use birth control so you can have sex with women you don't consider worthy of having your children. How is this uplifting to a woman? Are we simply animals that need to rub against other things, or have we been made for higher purposes?

"What if Christian leaders are wrong about homosexuality?" That's like asking, "What if Christian leaders are wrong about stealing?" It's in the Bible. Homosexuality is a sin. Deal with it.

A long weight

The Mad City Marathon is six months from today, and after a few weeks of sporadic running and regular cross-training, my official training program starts today. My left knee is still a little sore from the non-official-training-plan 8-mile run I did yesterday morning, but Mondays are cross-training days anyway.

The first order(s) of business are to build an aerobic base and drop weight. In the last month and a half, I've dropped from 182 to ~175, but according to Frank Horwill, I need to keep going to reach an ideal distance-running weight.
No man six feet tall and weighing 176lbs (79.8kg) will ever win the London Marathon, and it is unlikely that a woman five feet six inches in height and weighing 130lbs (58.9kg) will ever do so either. Why? To answer this we must consult Dr Stillman's height/weight ratio table. He fixes the non-active man's average weight for height with a simple formula. He allocates 110lbs (56.2kg) for the first five feet (1.524m) in height and 5 1/2lbs (2.296kg) for every inch (0.025m) thereafter. He is harsher with women, giving them 100lbs (45.3kg) for the first five feet and 5lbs (2.268kg) for every inch above this.

Having established the average, he then speculates on the ideal weight for athletic performance, as follows:
-Sprinters (100-400m): 2½ per cent lighter than average (6ft/176lbs - 2½% = 4lbs)
-Hurdlers (100-400m): 6 per cent lighter (or 9lbs)
-Middle-distance runners (800m - 10K): 12 per cent lighter (or 19lbs)
-Long-distance runners (10 miles onwards): 15 per cent lighter (or 25½lbs)

At 6'2", I get to add 77 lbs to my 5' base, for a non-active average-person baseline weight of 187 lbs. Subtracting 15% to get to the long-distance ideal puts me at 158.95, which is 16 lbs less than what I weighed this morning. Cycling has made my quads and calves bigger than most runners', and I don't want to lose those, so I think 159 is unrealistically low. 165, though, is not only do-able, but not so low that it seems unreachable.

Some of that will come off by putting my shoes on the road regularly, but it's going to take diet discipline too. Don't buy me any donuts, rolls, or pastries, and give me a stern look if you see me drinking anything but green tea in a coffee shop cup. You should also look at me with a furrowed, disapproving brow if you see me eating cheese. Or gravy.

How dense am I?

For never having noticed the "m" and "b" in the Milwaukee Brewers' logo before, that is. Now I want a hat.

Please pass the sweet potatoes, Mr. Senator

Maybe you thought it was lame that my parents & little brother came all the way from Nebraska to eat Thanksgiving dinner at the Essen Haus instead of at our apartment. Maybe that's what you thought. Until you found out that we sat one table over from Senator Herb Kohl and two dozen members of his family. Who's lame now? This almost beats doing jumping jacks and throwing medicine balls with Dane County executive and losing Attorney General candidate K.Falk at Spice's gym.

My Thanksgiving gift to you

I know you and I don't usually exchange Thanksgiving presents, but let's start a new tradition this year. In the spirit of holiday generosity, please accept this online NES emulator with 400+ games. What did you get me?

Tales from Scrapbookville - Chapter XIV

M.Bro's afternoon:
The yelling was coming from the sticker aisle - "HEEELLLP!" the woman cried. "I'M ON THE FLOOOOOORRR!!!" Four employees in four different parts of the store sprinted over, expecting to find a broken hip or other dolphin-silhouette-buying mishap. Instead, they were met with, "Oh, I suppose I don't need aallll of you to help me. Could one of you help me find some birthday quotes?" Triple hee - except for those people that were already figuring out how to defend against the lawsuit in the time it took to rush to the lazy-ass's aid.

L'il Sammies

Is it odd to post pictures of someone else's daughter? This is Isla, the daughter of the owner of the new menswear store, wearing the only pair of kids Samurai jeans in the US. They're a little big, but they're raw denim so a hot soak should bring them down to the right size.

The starch sets hard post-soak -

Shy bladders not welcome here

There are few characteristics shared by successful investment bankers and grad students in my department. Thanks to this article about the Seven Secret Skills of Highly Effective Bankers, though, our worlds are brought slightly closer together by necessity of public urination. The 2nd floor bathroom was built in 1800, when a shoulder-bumping 3" between urinals was standard architectural fare. Aspiring young bankers need the same skill sets -
5. Cannot be pee shy. Business takes place everywhere. You must be able to keep the conversation going from the dinner table to the urinal and to dinner again.

Obnoxious parker

Yesterday morning, we opened our garage door to find that some obnoxious jerk parked his pick-up parked directly in front of it. Jackass blocked us into our own garage! And our garage opens onto a parking lot! Which was only half-full! I testily knocked on doors in our apartment building and the one on the other side of the parking lot, hoping for someone to yell at, while Missy (more rationally) called the apartment office. Fortunately, they were open. Even more fortunately, the pickup's owner lives here and had his license plate on file. The office called him and gave him 10 minutes to move it before they called a tow truck. He wisely decided on the former, but I made sure he didn't get to move it without getting some angry comments.

THIS MORNING HIS PICKUP WAS PARKED IN THE HANDICAPPED SPOT!! Missy called the office again, they were pissed, and they're having his car towed immediately. Justice tastes sweet, like a melty sno-cone.

My sense of decency and I wouldn't survive in a real city.

Starring me, I guess

I've only been told I look like two famous people - once by Spice and ELF that I look like replacement-Becky's boyfriend on Scrubs, played by Scott Foley. And again this weekend by one of the guys crashing on our floor - "Have you ever seen a show called The Unit? Because you look exactly like one of the guys on it. Weird." So this morning I decided to find out who this face-stealer is - turns out Scott Foley has a new gig and I only look like one famous person -

Update: My sister reports that a goateed-me also looks like Tom Green, but I think she's just experiencing the infamous Facial Hair Confluence Syndrome. I'd probably look like Hitler with a Hitler-'stache.


Jesus Hitler Christ - $3000 for a video game console?!? I know I seem like a fogey, what with my 17 year-old and my economical car, but that blows my goddamn mind.


I'm not writing much because I don't want to push the Congressional America-hater so far down that you miss him, but this is entertaining. Blazey emitted 12,697 lbs of carbon-dioxide per year - newBlazey (who you'll maybe meet soon) emits only 7,219. For comparison, the new Camry hybrid emits 6,026.

To be fair, are there any Minnesotans that wouldn't kill us all?

I'm so goddamn sick of the liberal media! Yesterday, CNN's Glenn Beck interviewed Keith Ellison, Minnesota's new representative - and the first Muslim ever elected to Congress. Here's how Beck kicked off the interview -
BECK: History was made last Tuesday when Democrat Keith Ellison got elected to Congress, representing the great state of Minnesota. Well, not really unusual that Minnesota would elect a Democrat. What is noteworthy is that Keith is the first Muslim in history to be elected to the House of Representatives. He joins us now.

Congratulations, sir.

ELLISON: How you doing, Glenn? Glad to be here.

BECK: Thank you. I will tell you, may I -- may we have five minutes here where we're just politically incorrect and I play the cards face up on the table?

ELLISON: Go there.

BECK: OK. No offense, and I know Muslims. I like Muslims. I've been to mosques. I really don't believe that Islam is a religion of evil. I -- you know, I think it's being hijacked, quite frankly.

With that being said, you are a Democrat. You are saying, "Let's cut and run." And I have to tell you, I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, "Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies."

And I know you're not. I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way.


Happy birthday to Melanie, who was born one year before the end of the 80's. Do you feel old now? Yeah, you do.

MBro's employees, who have adopted Melanie as the group-daughter they either never had or had long enough ago that they want to have another, threw her a surprise party at Cheeseburger in Paradise (that dude that lost his salt-shaker - it's his restaurant chain). Good times - they were had by all.

RIP BlazeyBro

After many years of faithful service, Blazey wheezed its last breath of ethanol on Monday. "Sure, it'll run again," said the car mechanic. "But $2500 is a conservative estimate." Sorry, Blazey, but I wouldn't even pay that to fix MBro. My dad's going to haul it back to Nebraska when he's here for Thanksgiving next week, and Blazey's going to live with a new family in a (shhhh) J-U-N-K-Y-A-R-D.

Let's try to remember Blazey in happier times -

But we still need to drive places, right? Taken care of, my concerned friend. Those pictures you'll have to wait for...

**Beep-buh-buh-beepbeeeep***Stay tuned for breaking abandoned-stuff news***

Ryan, who lives in some amazing place called "En-why-see", is canoeing to North Brother Island, and we're going along for the ride.
Anyway, as I swung my aerial view back towards the city I came across a full blown island that I had never heard of. North Brother Island.

North Brother Island is between Riker’s Island and The Bronx sitting in the East River, NYC. It’s a thirteen acre island in the middle of the East River, and lots of New Yorkers don’t even know it exists. There is a reason for that.

North Brother Island is abandoned and off-limits to the public. As such, one might imagine that it has a fascinating history. One would be right. From around 1880 until 1960 the island was home to several hospitals which warranted the quarantining of its patients. Epidemic diseases, mental patients, drug addicts. In 1960 the island was home to what was supposed to be a cutting edge treatment facility for teenage drug addicts. However, widespread staff corruption caused withdrawal of funding and the program closed, as did the island. Aside from the occasional Riker’s Island escapee who uses the island as a temporary haven after a long swim, North Brother Island has been completely abandoned ever since.

I am going to fucking go there.

Here - I found you the shipwreck pictures he wrote about. Warning - dead bodies ahoy.

Crimson and Slate

Bad formatting outweighs awesome rabid aardvark eating a girl's hand. Some of you lost your links - start blogging again and you can have "bythe" or "toe".

Update: Littlesisterbro's myspace blog nabbed bythe. Check it out, but you have to have a myspace account to comment.

Update II: JPo's back! And she's toe!


After months of growling at each other, Melanie has finally accepted that Emmett can live here too.

And this is Mel after I played a song titled "Prairie Dog City" on her Real Player - more specifically, after I hyperventilated laughing when I heard the opening cords of Paradise City by Guns N Roses. Take me home to the prairie dog city, where the dirt is easy to dig through and the girl prairie dogs have whatever features make female prairie dogs attractive mates.

I'm holier-than-no-one

First, on the public image front, tell me I'm not the only one getting flashes of Courtney Love from post-surgery (or -ies! guess them!) Britney?

Second, on the divorce front, KFed is either a shrewd businessman who loves his sons or a total ass.
According to sources, KFed is currently in negotiations to sell a sex tape he made with Britney Spears for $50 million. One company in Arizona is willing to pay the fee. KFed is using the tape in negotiations with his ex. He’s willing to sell her the tape for $30 million and custody of their two sons.

The tape was filmed in the first few weeks they were together at the Beverly Hills Hotel. It shows Britney and KFed getting down and dirty with her performing several sexy acts on his nasty ass. A source said, “At the time the two of them were in the honeymoon stages of the relationship and couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They did nothing all day but have sex—and play the odd game of chess.”

And the stupid joke that barely needs writing - "Ha - I bet it was an ODD game to them!" Sorry.

Because I care

I heard the Republican's "It's OK, because they're really just conservative Democrats anyway" spin for the first time today - and, as always, was impressed at the speed it was picked up.

This, from DailyKos, makes me think that perception's not such a bad thing -
So go ahead, Blowhard Boys and Girls, keep saying it: "Conservative Democrats won on Tuesday, which proves that America is really conservative."

And please, don't catch on that every time you insist that "conservative Democrats" won, every time you couple the words, "conservative" and "Democrat," not only does an angel get its wings, some voter in Mississippi is getting the message that there is a natural home for conservatives in the Democratic Party. Make it crystal clear, repeatedly, from now until 2008, that citizens in the Mountain West and the Midwest who cast their votes next to a "D" for perhaps the first time in their lives were NOT betraying "traditional values," but were, in fact, reinforcing them.

Clearly, God hates Democrats

Why else would it be snowing and lightninging simultaneously? It's obviously a sign of the apololypse. I don't even know if sacrificing Nancy Pelosi will appease him at this point. I can hear the thunder growling, "IIII MMMMISSSSSS SANTOOOOOOOOORRRRUUMMMMMMMMM!!!"

Look out - THE SKY!!!

I don't usually just post e-mails I get - that's lazy blogging - but TOWWAS sent me a fantastic link.

"you want schadenfreude? read & mock:"

To which I responded, as any of you would have, I presume:

"Jesus Hitler Christ. I guess I can't speak for all terrorist-lovers, but I know _I_ was voting for higher taxes, cut-and-running, and forcing rednecks to marry other men!"

TOWWAS reports that she was hoping for an influx of gay illegal immigrants.

UPDATE: A few gems from an alternate reality that I can't understand -
We deserve the government we elect. Unfortunately, our Troops do not. I feel so darn bad for them. We let them down.

[Since, I assume, Nancy Pelosi will be sending guns and money to terrorists in Iraq]

The Jihadi's have won. They have proven they have a stronger will than America. They are now emboldened. They didn't defeat us on the battle field they did it in the political arena. Republicans are to honest to make good politicians. How many have we had resign over the last 10 years?

Although I'm big enough to admit that I like to hear conservatives sound sincere -
I'm not angry at the public for voting the way they did, I'm angry with my party for letting me down. They blew an eight year opportunity to change our country for the better, and ended up giving us a larger government than we had when they went in.

So I for one am not going to mope or offer my throat and belly to those who would see American neutered and socialized, I am going cede the battle graciously and begin fighting TOMORROW for the next election and to ensure the Republican party nominates viable candidates who not only talk the talk, but walk the walk

I'm still entertained by the totally insane ones though -
Outside of 9-11, I cannot think of a worse day.

Quote: "Outside of 9-11, I cannot think of a worse day."
Clinton winning in '92 and the Democrats being in total control was definitely a worse day.

Schadenfreude Level: Explosive

What a day. Who would have thought 24 hours ago that it would be like this 24 hours later? Not me, that's who.

But I'm stuck in a 4'x4' library carrel for the next 12 hours, so any news from outside makes me happy. As would a muffin and latte, if any of you would like to stop by my cell on 3M North.


Did those of you with RSS feeds click pretty hard trying to get here?

I didn't want this to get lost in the deluge of election coverage - Brit-brit filed for divorce this morning! Or is it just Republican tactics to distract you from voting?

Update: I broke the news to Mel when she got home from school. Her response: "Well, duh. Obviously."
Posted Nov 7th 2006 3:47PM by TMZ Staff
Filed under: Break-Ups, Britney and Kevin
Britney Spears has filed a petition for divorce from Kevin Federline.

Spears filed legal papers today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing "irreconcilable differences." In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple's two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

Celebrating midterm elections the old-fashioned way

With election-day pranks, that is - a tradition that dates back to the 14th Congress circa 1645. Feel free to use mine or make up your own, but either way - ANARCHY AT THE POLLS, DUDES!
Somehow make a piece of clothing very stainy like with all kinds
of dirt and grime and gross stuff and then leave that out side
the polling place. When an old person picks it up they will wonder
how it got so bad and this will make them forget about voting
and then you can dump a garbage in the sun roof of their car.

Find a lady at the polls with frostbite on her arms and then give
her some big boxes to hold. Chances are she will drop them and
then in the confusion you can start pelting people with
rocks or marbles

Get an oil baron costume and then go to the polls. Then when your
in the polls start getting sick and vomiting and saying real loud
"JEEOSEPHAT!!!" and when a polling place person comes up you can
address the other voters and say "We All Could Have Stayed Home If
We Had Anarchy...." and they will change their votes to anarchy
and start flipping over tables and making gangs.

Levi's 1947 repros

Right here, kids - this exact picture right here is why you buy raw denim and wear it for months and months before you wash it. Some dude with sandpaper and bleach at JeanFactoryCo can't turn the top pair into the bottom pair - it takes months, maybe years, of breaking them in slowly.

Let's un-rally the troops!

And get out the don't-vote!

Republican Shocker?

I'm drinking myself silly at Spice's house tomorrow night either way - in celebration or in despair - but I'm preparing myself for a shocker of a GOP victory. Let's lower our expectations together - lower, lower...loooowwwwer. One in the stink, indeed.

Columbia Portland Cement Works

It's been a while since we've explored something abandoned together. Let's take a magical ride through Ohio's Columbia-Portland Cement Works, location courtesy of EPA disaster maps...

Glug glug

What a bloggy day.

Do you have a pair of New & Lingwood Russian Calf shoes? Why not? Because they're made of skins discovered submerged in an 18th-century Danish shipwreck and cost $2,000, that's why.

But if two-g shipwreck shoes are outside your price range (loser), perhaps you'll enjoy these $200 Allen Edmonds, made out of shark and elephant leather.

Unrelated. Battlestar Galactica - you break my heart. But I'll keep coming back as long as you'll let me.

But John Kerry botched a joke, so it's all even, right?

CO uberpastor admits "some allegations" of drug use after sexing up a prostitute are true, one day after denying, denying, denying.


As far as I know, none of my regular commenters have teenage kids, but I think some of you were teenage kids at one time, so maybe you can give M.Bro and I some advice. How do we approach Mel about her choice in friends? A couple weeks ago, her Women in History teacher told us Mel is a smart young lady, but holds herself back and takes the class much less seriously when she's around a specific group of other students. Two of those students are also in her geometry class, and this is the response I got from her math teacher to an e-mail about Mel's frustration with her test scores.
Melanie has been completing her homework regularly but does not have
all her classwork points. This unit on constructions they are able to
work a majority of the class time on constructions. Melanie hasn't been
working well during these group times. They are able to choose the
group of 3 students to work with. Her choice of 3 has not been the best
for Melanie. As a result Melanie has not completed work within the
hour. This was the situation yesterday according to Mr. Hansey, our
Support teacher. He tried to redirect Melanie to focus on Geometry and
she did not comply and was asked to leave the room so she would not
disrupt others. We are having a quiz on Monday on this material. She
can come in before or after school for one on one help before tests.

My concern for the teacher's grammar aside, how should Missy and I approach this? We don't want to make martyrs out of her friends and make her even more committed to them, but Mel clearly realizes that her work in class isn't at the same level as her homework. Is her friends' negative influence one of those things she knows, but can't admit to herself? The parenting book I've been reading says teenagers run into a lot of that kind of thing - they're frustrated with themselves for getting in situations and relationshipos they feel like they can't get out of.


BurritoEater's McDonalds-centric post made me remember a joke I heard - I'm leaving out the right answer because I want you to figure it out for yourself (in the comments, homies)
In an phychiatric hospital, three patients are being evaluated. The Doctor decides to give them an intelligence test. He turns to the first man and asks, "McDonalds sells McNuggets in boxes of 3 and 20. You're feeling hungrier than usual so you decide to buy one of each box. Being the mathematically inclined person you are, you start to wonder... you know you can't buy 1, 2, 4, or 5 McNuggets, but you can buy 6. What is the largest sum of McNuggets you can't buy?"

"274 million" he replies.

The Doctor asks the second man, "McDonalds sells McNuggets in boxes of 3 and 20. You're feeling hungrier than usual so you decide to buy one of each box. Being the mathematically inclined person you are, you start to wonder... you know you can't buy 1, 2, 4, or 5 McNuggets, but you can buy 6. What is the largest sum of McNuggets you can't buy?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The Doctor turns to the third man, "Okay, your turn. McDonalds sells McNuggets in boxes of 3 and 20. You're feeling hungrier than usual so you decide to buy one of each box. Being the mathematically inclined person you are, you start to wonder... you know you can't buy 1, 2, 4, or 5 McNuggets, but you can buy 6. What is the largest sum of McNuggets you can't buy?"

"________," says the third man proudly.

"Fantastic - exactly right!" says the doctor. "How did you arrive at that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 million from Tuesday."

What was the third man's correct response?

U! S! Fucking! A! -- U! S! Fucking! A!

"Hello, I respond to short-term price fluctations with 4+ year sunk investments"
Who can remember all the way back to last summer, when we had daylight saving time, baseball, and $3 a gallon gasoline prices?

Not American car buyers, apparently, and you can see the evidence in the results of October auto sales.

Sales of big pickup trucks and SUVs went through the roof - doubling from the year before in some cases. Sales of small, fuel efficient cars, meanwhile, remained stagnant. It is as if all that moaning and groaning about price gouging by oil companies never happened.

Actually, it is worse than that. American consumers have reinforced all the stereotypes they are labeled with: short attention spans, lack of social consciousness and thinking with their wallets.

A hypothetical question (probably)

Could one of those guys on the ESPN show where they throw cars commit suicide by pulling off his own head? Not with a pulley, but just by grabbing and yanking. What about Superman?